i am tired. mentally, physically, emotionally... life is.. well, life is draining.
i've never felt this way about anyone... the way i feel about you is... is unusual. flings, sure... but this.. it's a whole new experience. admittedly, one that i like. i just feel, i feel like im treading in unknown water. to put it bluntly, you are a shark that likes to tug at me, pulling me under momentarily, then letting me go up for air.
help me to understand.... for surely i dont. though.. heh i doubt that you do either. for you, like me, are human. your mind and will controlled solely by your emotion. you cant deny this, nor can i. its something that we must both get used to. something, i suppose, we must both live with. we are involved in this amazing life together... so lets live it out. lets live it out hand in hand.
can you deny that you love me? i cant deny loving you. i truly wish i could... it would make everything so much easier. though, harder. burdensome really.. that is what life is... simply burdensome. does it get much easier? i hope it does. but i dont forsee that hapening. i do forsee life getting more and more difficult to handle. in fact, im sure it will.
ugh, i feel sick. i want nothing more than to hold your hand in mine... nothing more. youve robbed me of my sanity. since when, does a grown man long for the embrace of a hand? it truly is sick. im cold.. angry, distraught. i know not where to turn... for everywhere i look, i see your face. and not necessarily metaphorically speaking. i am being quite literal. i see you all the time, and even when i dont i cant stop thinking about you.
i am broken
for you are there.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Freedom Falacy
admit it! you are a vacuole of a human being. emotionless, living in the self-aggrandising glory that is your life.
you've fallen slave to freedom. a false dicotomy that you will never understand. that you don't want to understand. freedom is not your God. though you are prey to it.
you are the victim. victim to the american dream. uncle sam the gestapo and lady libert his bitch. involved in the convoluted dance that is your freedom.
open your eyes, you are not an idiot. though from here you seem to be. or at least you seem not to care. that is, you don't care about anything more than your freedom.
it makes me sick to think that this nation, that you hold so dearly, is full of the ignorant species known only as humanity. slaves to time. you worship right, and spit in the face of wrong. or what you perceive to be right and wrong.
what you were told is right, and wrong. you've been lied to. your parents, your friends, all living in this vast web of untruth. it tells you that freedom is the only way to live... tells you that if you choose to abandon freedom, for even a second, you will expereince hell on earth....
wake up... make your own opinions. go against the flow. stand up for what your heart knows is right.... don't let the fear of others bleed into your fragile mind.
you've fallen prey... you must break the hold, escape the mold.
you are humanity.
you've fallen slave to freedom. a false dicotomy that you will never understand. that you don't want to understand. freedom is not your God. though you are prey to it.
you are the victim. victim to the american dream. uncle sam the gestapo and lady libert his bitch. involved in the convoluted dance that is your freedom.
open your eyes, you are not an idiot. though from here you seem to be. or at least you seem not to care. that is, you don't care about anything more than your freedom.
it makes me sick to think that this nation, that you hold so dearly, is full of the ignorant species known only as humanity. slaves to time. you worship right, and spit in the face of wrong. or what you perceive to be right and wrong.
what you were told is right, and wrong. you've been lied to. your parents, your friends, all living in this vast web of untruth. it tells you that freedom is the only way to live... tells you that if you choose to abandon freedom, for even a second, you will expereince hell on earth....
wake up... make your own opinions. go against the flow. stand up for what your heart knows is right.... don't let the fear of others bleed into your fragile mind.
you've fallen prey... you must break the hold, escape the mold.
you are humanity.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
well now we know
he thought that he was something special. though he never appeared to be. he was, well still is what some might call an average joe. unfairly pegged as some kind of vagrant dolt. it would appear to most that this doesnt phase him at all, his skin is thick. but, ubeknownst to most of his peers he was a mess, still is a mess, will inevitably always be a mess.
he, no one really, knows why he is like this, or what it is doing to him. once again he doesnt seem to care, he must be tough, must not show pain. though pain runs rampant. it really isnt that he wants me to think that he is the toughest guy in the world, its more that he wants me to think that things don't phase him in the least. he doesnt know, but i can read his eyes... they tell everything. they pierce to the core. if you dont believe me just gaze into them. they, well he, will basically tell you whatever it is you want to know. you will see his pain, and fear, and you will begin to realize his torment, and how well he pulls it off.
i know why he handles the pain so well. he has lived in the midst of pain for a while now, but to his downfall hasnt let anyone know about it. he really doesnt let anyone get close enough to see it. the lucky ones can find it in his eyes. the unlucky ones will never know who he truly is. its funny, he has been around forever, yet he, i, can count his friends, that is the ones who really know, on one hand. the rest think that they know who this man is, and they do, to a point. they really only know what he is on the outside, the way he lives his life, things like that. they will probably never realize what he goes through, what he has to do in order to make it through the day.
but all of that is boring. he thinks its boring, though i dont. it intrigues me, how can anyone in their right mind live like this, and not seek help. i suppose i just answered all of our questions, he isnt in his right mind... he cant be. though who is really? i suppose the first thing that tipped me off to his fragile demeanor is the fact that he struggles to differentiate between what is a friendship, and what is more. either to his loss or theirs. i dont think it matters though. the ones who wont take the time to know him wont work anyways. the ones who are afraid or intimidated by his eyes. thats where he functions, thats how he tells the truth, thats how he lies, how he falls in love, and breaks hearts. his eyes.
to most people, at least the sane one, the eyes arent for much other than seeing. but to a few, especially to him, the eyes are the basis of life. what we see through our eyes will probably determine certain paths that we take, literally and metaphorically. to him everything can be said through the eyes, he can tell who you are through your eyes, and looking away.. breaking the gaze, usually does no good. so, if you ever catch his gaze, which sadly enough is a rarity, look long enough to see what he is telling you. do that for me, but mainly do that for him. he needs it, especially now. dont say anything.. just look. try to discern what his eyes are telling you, or even asking you.
i must be honest, it is one thing for someone to tell you verbally that they love you.. its one thing to show you through touch.. but you dont know love until you have experienced it through naught but the eyes. a word doesnt have to be said, you dont have to be touching each other, it can be said from across the room. it is the greatest feeling in the world. and that is where he puts himself out there. its in his eyes. please, look for yourself. know him like i do, or at least try to. give him a chance, dont speak, dont expect to be spoken to, just look. what do you see? if you can answer that question you truly are lucky. but be weary, if you do look him in the eyes, and i mean truly look him in the eyes, if you hold his gaze, he will know you. your pain, your distress, your fear. and he ,now more than ever, will be there for you. you dont have to be there for him, he likes walking solo, hand in hand w/ his maker. but he will help you, b.c not anyone is like him.
but, you wont ever know, at least not until you give his eyes a chance. he loves you, but wont say it.
he, no one really, knows why he is like this, or what it is doing to him. once again he doesnt seem to care, he must be tough, must not show pain. though pain runs rampant. it really isnt that he wants me to think that he is the toughest guy in the world, its more that he wants me to think that things don't phase him in the least. he doesnt know, but i can read his eyes... they tell everything. they pierce to the core. if you dont believe me just gaze into them. they, well he, will basically tell you whatever it is you want to know. you will see his pain, and fear, and you will begin to realize his torment, and how well he pulls it off.
i know why he handles the pain so well. he has lived in the midst of pain for a while now, but to his downfall hasnt let anyone know about it. he really doesnt let anyone get close enough to see it. the lucky ones can find it in his eyes. the unlucky ones will never know who he truly is. its funny, he has been around forever, yet he, i, can count his friends, that is the ones who really know, on one hand. the rest think that they know who this man is, and they do, to a point. they really only know what he is on the outside, the way he lives his life, things like that. they will probably never realize what he goes through, what he has to do in order to make it through the day.
but all of that is boring. he thinks its boring, though i dont. it intrigues me, how can anyone in their right mind live like this, and not seek help. i suppose i just answered all of our questions, he isnt in his right mind... he cant be. though who is really? i suppose the first thing that tipped me off to his fragile demeanor is the fact that he struggles to differentiate between what is a friendship, and what is more. either to his loss or theirs. i dont think it matters though. the ones who wont take the time to know him wont work anyways. the ones who are afraid or intimidated by his eyes. thats where he functions, thats how he tells the truth, thats how he lies, how he falls in love, and breaks hearts. his eyes.
to most people, at least the sane one, the eyes arent for much other than seeing. but to a few, especially to him, the eyes are the basis of life. what we see through our eyes will probably determine certain paths that we take, literally and metaphorically. to him everything can be said through the eyes, he can tell who you are through your eyes, and looking away.. breaking the gaze, usually does no good. so, if you ever catch his gaze, which sadly enough is a rarity, look long enough to see what he is telling you. do that for me, but mainly do that for him. he needs it, especially now. dont say anything.. just look. try to discern what his eyes are telling you, or even asking you.
i must be honest, it is one thing for someone to tell you verbally that they love you.. its one thing to show you through touch.. but you dont know love until you have experienced it through naught but the eyes. a word doesnt have to be said, you dont have to be touching each other, it can be said from across the room. it is the greatest feeling in the world. and that is where he puts himself out there. its in his eyes. please, look for yourself. know him like i do, or at least try to. give him a chance, dont speak, dont expect to be spoken to, just look. what do you see? if you can answer that question you truly are lucky. but be weary, if you do look him in the eyes, and i mean truly look him in the eyes, if you hold his gaze, he will know you. your pain, your distress, your fear. and he ,now more than ever, will be there for you. you dont have to be there for him, he likes walking solo, hand in hand w/ his maker. but he will help you, b.c not anyone is like him.
but, you wont ever know, at least not until you give his eyes a chance. he loves you, but wont say it.
Friday, August 29, 2008
hypocritical lament
dun dun dun....
very often i find myself wishing away the complacency that is this united states... thats not to say that everyone living here is complacent, nor am i saying that we are the only complacent humans on this earth... however, we seem to be pretty damn good at complacency....
drive a nice car, have a nice house, raise a nice family, be overall successful and you will have a great life, free from troubles....
BULLSHIT!!
wake up from your american dreams... embrace the reality that is life... in this world... a sick life, with genocide, and starving infants, and under age prostitutes living in lice infested brothels.... and you complain about missing the big game? what the FUCK?
alright, eat this and try not to shit, there are 6.5 billion people on this planet, and you are not that important, nor am i, nor is the president, the pope, the prime minister, the dictator, the car, the pussy, the money, the drugs, the bullshit that is your life.
you stand idly by as people who breath like you, smell like you, feel like you, are you die from starvation, murder....
why?
why the fuck arent you doing anything? why are you sitting here typing this when you could be out helping people? this is your hypocritical bullshit that we are living in...
so wake the fuck up!
very often i find myself wishing away the complacency that is this united states... thats not to say that everyone living here is complacent, nor am i saying that we are the only complacent humans on this earth... however, we seem to be pretty damn good at complacency....
drive a nice car, have a nice house, raise a nice family, be overall successful and you will have a great life, free from troubles....
BULLSHIT!!
wake up from your american dreams... embrace the reality that is life... in this world... a sick life, with genocide, and starving infants, and under age prostitutes living in lice infested brothels.... and you complain about missing the big game? what the FUCK?
alright, eat this and try not to shit, there are 6.5 billion people on this planet, and you are not that important, nor am i, nor is the president, the pope, the prime minister, the dictator, the car, the pussy, the money, the drugs, the bullshit that is your life.
you stand idly by as people who breath like you, smell like you, feel like you, are you die from starvation, murder....
why?
why the fuck arent you doing anything? why are you sitting here typing this when you could be out helping people? this is your hypocritical bullshit that we are living in...
so wake the fuck up!
Friday, August 1, 2008
the burden
HA!
life at least for me seems to be made up of pain, and pleasure.
not necessarily in that order, but hey its different for us all.
so i ask myself.
why is it that with all of this pleasure i still seem to feel out the pain of life?
i guess i need to define my pain, give it a face...
love lost on a girl long from my grasp
healing comes so very slow
the wounds of the heart are the hardest to operate on
without this profound death i wouldnt be the same
that is to say i once loved a girl very dearly. i basically put myself out there for her, but i suppose from the stresses of my seemingly perfect life i became disfigured, and beaten into some beast of a man that i previously wasnt.
love lost to lust
the passion of the paradigm of love lost on a single touch.
not to say it wasnt enjoyable for a time, however my thoughts of what a real love were short lived
killed by my ignorant erection.
severed by a desperate need to be loved.
gruesome indeed truthful none the less.
i loved a women more than my God. shameful to say the least.
a burden that i had to bear.
however being the generous God that he is,
giving me life when i didnt deserve it, things like that.
He has offered to bear the burden, in fact he was always there to bear it, but i being the ignorant man that i am didnt realize that.
until now that is.
so now, enter in the picture
a loving God
who in all honesty was always in the picture.
that i now admit to disregarding as nothing more than a fairytale from years long forgotten.
the one i love now isnt of this world,
though he created it
he loves it
died for it
will soon destroy it
i love a God more than anything on this earth...
that is not to say i dont love this earth, because dear friends i do.
i love everyone on the face of this earth
and would die for you all
however my death doesnt bring about anything but death.
his death brought about our spiritual resurrection from the dead.
he is my love,
he is all mine.
but strangely all yours as well.
life at least for me seems to be made up of pain, and pleasure.
not necessarily in that order, but hey its different for us all.
so i ask myself.
why is it that with all of this pleasure i still seem to feel out the pain of life?
i guess i need to define my pain, give it a face...
love lost on a girl long from my grasp
healing comes so very slow
the wounds of the heart are the hardest to operate on
without this profound death i wouldnt be the same
that is to say i once loved a girl very dearly. i basically put myself out there for her, but i suppose from the stresses of my seemingly perfect life i became disfigured, and beaten into some beast of a man that i previously wasnt.
love lost to lust
the passion of the paradigm of love lost on a single touch.
not to say it wasnt enjoyable for a time, however my thoughts of what a real love were short lived
killed by my ignorant erection.
severed by a desperate need to be loved.
gruesome indeed truthful none the less.
i loved a women more than my God. shameful to say the least.
a burden that i had to bear.
however being the generous God that he is,
giving me life when i didnt deserve it, things like that.
He has offered to bear the burden, in fact he was always there to bear it, but i being the ignorant man that i am didnt realize that.
until now that is.
so now, enter in the picture
a loving God
who in all honesty was always in the picture.
that i now admit to disregarding as nothing more than a fairytale from years long forgotten.
the one i love now isnt of this world,
though he created it
he loves it
died for it
will soon destroy it
i love a God more than anything on this earth...
that is not to say i dont love this earth, because dear friends i do.
i love everyone on the face of this earth
and would die for you all
however my death doesnt bring about anything but death.
his death brought about our spiritual resurrection from the dead.
he is my love,
he is all mine.
but strangely all yours as well.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Why...
it seems like a question that any sensible person might ask me. why do you do what you do? well i suppose the only real answer to a question like that is "i dont know" or possibly "God".
i hate to say it, but sometimes its hard for even me, to see my own heart. sometimes it feels like others know the deepest secrets and desires of my heart better than i myself do.
why do i hate war?
why do i hate prejudice?
why do i hate this american culture?
why dont i desire to drive a super nice car?
why, why, why....
i dont think i have the answers to everything, im not sure that i really have the answers to anything. however, i do know what i desire to do in my life, i do know that i want to do Gods will no matter what.
i love Him.
it sometimes is difficult for me to associate with my peer group, with those people around me that are my age. even if they hold a same "theology" as mine. im not sure why this is
im not sure why i have this deplorable hate for the things of this world.
im not sure why i love you.
im not sure how i love anyone.
but i do.
i love you.
i would die for you.
i dont know why.
but i would.
i blame God.
i love God.
He loves you.
i hate to say it, but sometimes its hard for even me, to see my own heart. sometimes it feels like others know the deepest secrets and desires of my heart better than i myself do.
why do i hate war?
why do i hate prejudice?
why do i hate this american culture?
why dont i desire to drive a super nice car?
why, why, why....
i dont think i have the answers to everything, im not sure that i really have the answers to anything. however, i do know what i desire to do in my life, i do know that i want to do Gods will no matter what.
i love Him.
it sometimes is difficult for me to associate with my peer group, with those people around me that are my age. even if they hold a same "theology" as mine. im not sure why this is
im not sure why i have this deplorable hate for the things of this world.
im not sure why i love you.
im not sure how i love anyone.
but i do.
i love you.
i would die for you.
i dont know why.
but i would.
i blame God.
i love God.
He loves you.
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